


wanted to believe that there was room for me

by cjmasim



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Getting Together, M/M, Mentions of homophobia, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-04-30 14:23:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14498934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjmasim/pseuds/cjmasim
Summary: The first time Teuvo hooked up with Sebastian, he wasn't entirely sure that it wasn't just a dream.By the sixth time they hooked up, he knew that it was officially a Thing.He just wished that Sebastian actually wanted to date him.





	wanted to believe that there was room for me

**Author's Note:**

> Even though I've already posted another fic since, this is the first hockey fic I've written in almost 3 years, so it's exciting to get back into it! Figured I'd start off with a ship that I think there should be a lot more of.
> 
> Title and idea from Angie by Cobra Starship.
> 
> Disclaimer: if you are or know anyone mentioned in this fic, it's probably best if you close this tab now. Obviously, this is 100% fictional. 
> 
> Enjoy!

The first time Teuvo hooked up with Sebastian, he wasn't entirely sure that it wasn't just a dream.

They were on their west coast trip, in their shared hotel room in San Jose, the team having decided to retire early after a hard-fought loss. Teuvo was exhausted, but Sebastian apparently wasn't, and not long after they turned the lights off, Sebastian crawled into Teuvo’s bed, placed a hand on the nape of his neck, and curled his fingers in his hair.

“Is this okay?” he whispered in Finnish, before leaning forward, growing closer and closer to Teuvo until – oh.

It took Teuvo a moment to respond, given that this was not something he had been expecting at all, but once he did respond, it was surreal. He had dreamt of kissing Sebastian numerous times, far more than he would care to admit, but never had he felt as good in his dreams as he did in that moment.

Most of the dreams ended before Sebastian lowered his head, sucking a bruise into Teuvo’s neck that he knew would last for days; before he asked Teuvo if he could take his briefs off, taking him into his mouth and working him so well he barely lasted two minutes; before Teuvo reached his hand down into Sebastian’s boxers, returning the favor. All of the dreams ended before Sebastian turned away, settling himself onto the pillow, told him he had had fun in a low voice that Teuvo wasn’t quite sure he hadn’t imagined, and fell asleep in Teuvo’s arms.

Teuvo fell asleep too, but he woke up an hour before his alarm was set to go off, still holding onto Sebastian. _Oh,_ he thought. _So that was a real thing that happened._ He tried to fall back asleep, to savor the moment, but his mind wouldn’t stop racing.

_What does this mean? Does he want to be with me? Does he like me? Was this just a one-time thing? What if he regrets it? What if he doesn't?_

When his alarm did finally go off, Sebastian turned it off for him, freeing himself from Teuvo’s grip and going back to sleep. Teuvo, knowing he wouldn’t fall back asleep, extracted himself from the sheets, careful not to wake Sebastian, and got in the shower. When he emerged, Sebastian was awake, scrolling through something on his phone, and as soon as he saw that the bathroom was empty, he claimed it. They went down to team breakfast together without saying a word, though when they got there, Sebastian sat next to him and chatted just as much as usual, about all the same things as usual - the upcoming game, their playoff hopes, Fortnite, whether or not Laine needed to shave.

(Teuvo's answer was yes, but Sebastian insisted that the heinous beard was the "source of his powers" or some other nonsense. Teuvo _really_ hoped Sebastian wasn't planning to grow a goat-like beard of his own.)

So, they didn’t talk about it. Teuvo figured he wouldn’t want to do it at breakfast, with their teammates in close range, which was perfectly fine – understandable, even. There was time.

-

They never talked about it.

After a week of Teuvo agonizing over whether Sebastian had neglected to bring it up because he had just been experimenting, because he didn’t really like Teuvo, because he regretted it, or even because maybe Teuvo _had_ dreamt the whole thing, it happened again.

And again. And again.

By the sixth time they hooked up, he knew that it was officially a Thing.

Whether they were hanging out after practice or chilling in their shared hotel room after an away game, nearly every time they were alone together, it would happen. Sebastian would grab Teuvo's attention, pull him in for a kiss; they'd go further, though never as far as Teuvo wanted, at least eventually, for it to go; finally, they would pull apart, wordlessly, and they would either go to sleep or Sebastian would leave. Within a month, they were hooking up at least twice a week.

They still hadn't talked about it.

If it weren’t for Teuvo’s feelings, maybe this would've been okay – maybe he could have just hooked up with Sebastian, been friends with benefits, and it would all have been chill – amazing, even. But, unfortunately, he had been slightly attracted to Sebastian long before they ever hooked up, and ever since they started, his feelings had only grown stronger. He wanted to go on dates with Sebastian, to hold his hand, to cuddle, not just hook up. So, all was not chill.

Still, Teuvo was an adult, and he was mature, regardless of what his friends might say. He knew that keeping this up wouldn’t be good for him; the month of hooking up had already left him desperately wanting more, to the point that Sebastian occupied at least half of his thoughts on any given day. He hadn’t been pining before – it had been more of a distant attraction, something he had wanted, but hadn't ever allowed himself to dwell on. Now, however, Teuvo was definitely pining. He had a feeling that denying his attraction wouldn't actually make the problem go away, so he had no choice but to do something about it.

Admittedly, that was easier said than done. Sebastian was not a particularly shy guy when there weren't any cameras around, especially around people who spoke Finnish, so Teuvo had little reason to believe Sebastian could possibly have any feelings for him when he hadn't ever said so. Between Teuvo resolving to talk to Sebastian and him actually working up the nerve to do it, they hooked up six more times.

“Sepe,” he started after the sixth time, while they were laying in Teuvo’s hotel bed. “Can we talk? About… this?”

Sebastian merely hummed in response, before turning over so that he was facing Teuvo and propping himself up on his elbow. “What is it?” he asked, looking into Teuvo’s eyes.

Teuvo looked away, steeling himself. “What are we doing?”

“Sleeping?”

“You know what I–"

“Sleeping together. Or – hooking up,” Sebastian said plainly.

“So…” Teuvo trailed off, glancing back at Sebastian before looking away again. “There aren’t any feelings involved?”

“No way, man. Just fun, you know?”

“Yeah,” Teuvo tried to say casually, willing his heart to at least wait until Sebastian went to sleep before shattering. “Just fun.”

“I’m not really into serious relationships, at least not for a while,” Sebastian continued.

“Oh, I know,” Teuvo lied. “Uh, me neither.”

"Glad we're on the same page, then."

"Yeah," Teuvo lied again. "Good thing."

“Goodnight,” Sebastian mumbled, and Teuvo repeated the sentiment.

He didn’t sleep that night.

-

Really, Teuvo should've known better than to keep hooking up with Sebastian after that conversation. It was clear that they wanted different things, and he knew that repeatedly sleeping with the guy he was pining over was not going to help him get over his feelings. He had thought about stopping, but every time he looked down at Sebastian's furrowed eyebrows and flushed cheeks, saw him concentrating just as hard on the blowjob he was giving Teuvo as he did on forechecking, heard him outright _moaning_ Teuvo's name like it was the only thing that kept him going, well – Teuvo couldn't help himself.

"Dude," Olli exclaimed when Teuvo finally caved and told him why he had, as Olli claimed, been acting weird lately. "You are such an idiot."

Teuvo made a noise of protest, starting to defend himself before being cut off by Olli.

"No, no, let me speak. You tell me you've been crushing on Seb for basically a year now, and you've been hooking up for – what was it, five whole months? And you asked him about it, and he told you it was just for fun, and that there were no feelings involved, and you, knowing that you had feelings for him, lied about your feelings and continued to do it anyway?"

"Uh," Teuvo began. "Yeah. That's about it."

"You are a goddamn idiot," Olli said again. "You need to stop this. Now. Do _not_ hook up with him again. You hear me?"

"Dude – "

"No. You're stopping. Literally, as soon as we hang up, you're going to download Tinder, and you're going to match with someone, and you're going to go hook up with this person. Bonus points if you try to date, whatever. But you are going to get over him, you hear me?" 

"Olli – "

"Turbo, seriously, dude, you're pining. He already told you he's not interested in a relationship, so you need to move the fuck on already. Please tell me you fucking get this."

"I – " Teuvo sighed. "Fine. Okay. You're right. I'll… download Tinder, or whatever, and try to get over him, okay?"

"That's exactly what I wanted to hear," Teuvo could hear Olli grinning over the phone; he rolled his eyes. "Make sure if Seabass initiates another hookup, you do _not_ engage. You hear me?" Teuvo reluctantly agreed. "Good. Now go set up your Tinder and start getting over him, okay? There are other _fish_ in the _sea_ , you know," Olli laughed at his terrible joke, and Teuvo hung up on him.

-

Teuvo did set up a Tinder, and two days and four unsolicited dick pics later, he met up with a girl named Megan at a Which Wich in western Raleigh for lunch. It was an objectively terrible location for a first date, but she had been outraged that Teuvo had been living in Raleigh for as long as he had without ever trying one of their "amazing subs", so she insisted.

(Teuvo didn't quite get the hype; it was just Subway without having to verbally place an order with an actual person, but it wasn't bad, and listening to Americans try to pronounce his name had still not lost its humor.)

Other than the questionable location, it was a nice date. She was a senior at NC State studying veterinary medicine, which he thought was super interesting, although, being from a small town that was a two-hour drive from the nearest ice rink, she had never watched a game of hockey in her life. They made conversation about her plans to become a vet, what it was like to be semi-famous, Finland, the basics of hockey, and the many reasons Crabtree was a better mall than Southpoint, though Teuvo had admittedly never been to either. ("That," Megan insisted, "will have to be our next date.")

They got along quite well, and even made definite plans for a second date. Teuvo genuinely felt that he would enjoy spending more time with her.

And yet, he still didn't actually _want_ to spend time with her. She seemed like a great person – easy to talk to, fun to spend time with, enough of a local that she could help Teuvo learn to maybe see Raleigh as home – and yet, still, all he wanted was Sebastian.

It probably didn't help that, after parting ways with Megan with no more than a kiss on the cheek, he drove back to Sebastian's apartment instead of his own, let Sebastian fuck him, and fell asleep tangled up with him.

Teuvo was so, so fucked.

-

He went on one more date with Megan – to the mall, as she had promised – before breaking it off. The date had actually been a lot of fun, and he may or may not have bought a few things at Bath and Body Works, but Teuvo didn't want to string her along, so he came clean about having feelings for someone else. She was very understanding, even asked if he wanted to continue to be friends, and he said yes, and it was fine. It was all fine.

Other than the part where Teuvo still had feelings for Sebastian, of course.

 _Getting over him didn't work_ , he texted Olli. _What now?_

Olli's reply came after a few minutes. _You tell the truth dude. Maybe he'll feel the same and you live happily ever after, but if not, at least you can agree to stop hooking up and that'll prob help you get over him. Win-win and all that_

Well. This was certainly not something Teuvo had ever wanted to do, but he couldn't deny that Olli had a point. A very good point, in fact. Such a good point that he would probably have to, like, actually try it.

-

Three weeks passed before Teuvo actually tried it.

They had gone back to Sebastian's apartment after practice, and, as was common these days, Sebastian had him pinned against the wall, kissing him.

"Sepe," he started. "Can we not – we need to talk." Sebastian stopped, his eyebrows furrowing more than usual in confusion. "Not – it's not a bad thing, just. It is important."

"Okay," Sebastian replied. "What is it?"

"Well, I…" he trailed off, thinking about how he wanted to say this. Sebastian just stared at him until Teuvo finally just said exactly what was on his mind. "We've been doing this for six months now, and don't get me wrong, I enjoy it, but it's killing me. Because I – I like you. Like, have feelings for you, maybe even love you, I – fuck. I'm sorry, I know you probably don't feel the same, but it's just – I want us to be more. To be, well, _us._ I want to date you, not just hook up with you, and I – " _I'm sorry for fucking this up_ , he didn't say.

"Oh," Sebastian said when he sensed that Teuvo was done.

Teuvo waited, but Sebastian remained quiet, still processing, not looking at him. "Sorry if I came on too strong. I just," Teuvo stalled. "I want to know if you feel the same. But I know you probably don't want to date; you said a while ago that you just wanted to have fun, and that's – that's fine," he managed to keep his voice from cracking, but Teuvo knew it was still apparent that it was not really fine. "I want something more, have since the beginning, and I should've told you, but – it's okay if you don't."

"I…" Sebastian started. "I do just want to have fun. I'm not really… ready for a serious relationship." Teuvo tried to speak, but Sebastian shushed him, continuing. "But that doesn't mean I don't like you, the way you like me. I don't – I wouldn't call it love, not for a while, but I definitely feel something for you, more than just a regular hookup. Much more. Maybe… maybe one day."

"Okay," Teuvo replied. "That's – I'm glad. And you don't have to rush." It wasn't what he had hoped for, but _fuck_ , it was so much more than he had expected.

"But we can still – ?"

"Yeah," Teuvo said without thinking. "Of course."

And if his heart ached as they continued to make out, and as it turned to more, and as he drove back home without even getting to cuddle with Sebastian afterward, well, nobody had to know.

-

They played the Penguins a few weeks later, and Olli didn't say anything, but Teuvo could feel the burn of his judgmental stare from across the ice during just about every break in play. He stopped staring after Teuvo stole the puck from him, passed to Sebastian, and watched him score what would end up being the game-winning goal. Olli glared while he skated by, and Teuvo abandoned his usual Blue Steel celly in favor of grinning in Olli's direction.

Later that night, Teuvo went out to a bar with Olli, because he couldn't relinquish one of his rare opportunities to hang out with his friend in person just to avoid talking about his relationship problems. Predictably, said relationship problems were the first thing Olli brought up once they were seated.

"So, I present you with a win-win situation, and somehow, you manage to find a way to take the L," Olli smirked.

Teuvo groaned. "He said 'maybe one day,'" he reminded him.

"If he ends up needing to hook up with you on the regular for a full year before he's ready to try a relationship – hell, it's already been long enough – well, it'd better end up being worth it."

"It will be," Teuvo promised.

-

"Have you been with anyone else? Since we started, that is?" Sebastian asked him one day, completely out of the blue, while they were playing Fortnite.

"Once," Teuvo admitted. "I tried dating. Never got any further than a kiss on the cheek, though."

"Hm."

When Sebastian turned his focus back to the game without giving an actual response, Teuvo took a deep breath, building himself up more than was probably necessary to say one simple word.

"You?" he prompted.

"Huh?" 

"Have you been with anyone else?" Teuvo clarified. 

Sebastian hesitated, his character dying in the game as he thought of a response. "In the very beginning, yeah, a few times. But," he spoke softly, "not in at least six months."

"Oh," Teuvo said.

They started the game over, and this time, it was Teuvo who died first. The rest of the day, their conversation never strayed from the game.

-

"Have you been hurt before?"

They were lying in Teuvo's bed, still coming down from a particularly exhilarating bout of sex. It had been three months since Sebastian had admitted to having feelings for him, one since he had admitted to not having slept with anyone else, and Teuvo really wasn't sure how much longer he could wait.

"Fuck, I'm sorry," he interjected before Sebastian could even react, sitting up. "I didn't mean – well. I didn't mean to say it, but – we've been hooking up exclusively for close to nine months, and you've said that you like me, and I just – I still want to date you, be in a relationship, not just hook up, and we're already basically doing that, minus the romance, so I thought, maybe you were scared, because of something in your past, but I shouldn't have – "

"Teuvo," Sebastian interrupted. Teuvo shut up. "It's fine. And – well, I… I have. But it's – it's more complicated than that."

"Still, I shouldn't have – "  
 

"Forget about it; it's no big deal. I do owe you an explanation."

"You don't have to – "

Sebastian cut him off once again. "I want to. Just let me speak."

Teuvo nodded.

"I had a girlfriend years ago who – who hurt me, yes. She cheated on me, and I haven't… been in a relationship since. I figured people my age aren't good at serious relationships, so I would just wait and just hook up in the meantime. But that happened years ago, and you're different, and I'm not scared that you're going to cheat on me, or anything like that. I _want_ to be – intimate, with you, but, well, I don't know how it would be received. I've never told anyone I like guys too, and I'd only hooked up with guys a couple times before you, and I don't know how the team feels about – being bi, or gay, or whatever. Plus, we're teammates, and even if they're okay with gay people in general, I don't know if that would be okay, because of chemistry and all, and we'd still have to hide from the media. So, yeah, I guess I am scared, just, not of dating, exactly."

"Okay," Teuvo started. "Okay. It's okay that you're scared of that. I'm – I'm scared too," he laughed nervously. "I'm only out to a few people, no one on the team, other than you. But we don't have to tell anyone, not even our families, until we're ready, and I don't care how long that takes. I just want to be with you, whatever the cost. I just – I've wanted this for so long, even before we started hooking up, though it's gotten stronger since. I just want to be able to kiss you without it leading to sex every single time; I want to hold your hand, at least in private; I want to take you out to dinner, on a real date, even if no one else knows what it means to us; I want to look at the stars and tell you how you're more beautiful than them; I want to let you win at Fortnite just to see you smile; I want to wake up next to you every morning; I want to cuddle with you every night; I just – I want to be with you as much as I possibly can. It's going to be hard, not being able to tell people, sure, but we can get through it, because at the end of the day, we'll have each other, and that's – at least, to me, that's all that really matters."

Sebastian moved closer to him on the bed, cupped Teuvo's face in his hands, and kissed him, soft and slow, like he never had before. They broke apart after a moment, and Sebastian spoke.

"I think – " his voice cracked a little, and he laughed. "Fuck, I'm trying not to cry, you sappy bastard." Teuvo laughed a little, too, and Sebastian continued. "I think it's time to try. Give us the chance we deserve."

Teuvo felt a grin explode onto his face, and he couldn't help but to kiss Sebastian again, lightly.

"Then it's official," Sebastian said after the kiss ended, smiling wider than Teuvo had ever seen before, and he could feel his heart melting. "How do you feel about dinner tomorrow night?"

"I would love that," Teuvo replied.

"But just for the record," Sebastian continued, "I'll be the one letting _you_ win at Fortnite, just to see you smile."

"Oh, you _wish_."

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to follow me on [tumblr](http://www.cjmasim.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
